9/19/2011

Break Ups are So Hard To Handle

I'm up late tonight... can't sleep. All of you should know by now that I recently went through a break up where everything seemed to be going fine in the relationship until he came home and said he didn't love me. This has been eating at me forever. It bothers me because I kept asking him what went wrong, why he didn't love me anymore, and he kept saying nothing that the relationship was perfect, I was wonderful (easy to get along with, fun to be around, beautiful, sexy, etc.) but he just didn't love me. I'd noticed right before he broke up with me he kept getting texts from someone I could have sworn was called Lisa. His phone would go off and I would get a glimpse of a name then he would pull his phone as close to his chest as he could get it even though normally he never hid his phone from me. Then today on Facebook it showed that he became friends with a girl named Lisa. I'm probably just being the paranoid ex and getting jealous over stupid crap, but the girl looks like me, except her hair is shorter which is weird because he swore he doesn't like short hair, he wanted mine longer and mine goes to a little past my shoulders. Her's was up by her ears.

I know, I know, I'm being a weird ex. I just can't bring myself to delete his profile and I torture myself every other day by looking to see if he's updated his status or anything. I miss him so much and it kills me that things didn't work. I want to know why things went wrong instead of just "I don't love you." I miss him and I hate him at the same time... when does it stop? When does it go away? When does it get better? I hate this and the gypsy in me wants to move away from him so bad! I, of course, have to finish school then I'm thinking about moving back to Clarendon and opening a nail salon there. I just want it to get better. I miss home a lot. I miss being able to go outside my front door and see extremely familiar things and drive less than 2 miles to be out of the city limits and enjoy the night sky. I miss being able to drive out to the lake just because I want to, even if there's very little gas in the truck, and I really miss being able to drive out to the ranch and visit Granddad. I'm only an hour away from him right now, but because I'm always trying to keep gas in the truck so I can drive completely across town to school, I never get a chance to go see him. And most of all, I miss the fact that even if I'm hurting, like I was after Gram died, Clarendon has it's silent way of healing me and making everything better. I know almost everyone there, I never struggle to make friends there because I know my friends, and I miss that.

I moved to Amarillo, not just to help my friend with her fake anxiety attacks, but to also meet new people, and maybe meet a man to date, but it seems like I'm living in a city full of strangers. No one wants to meet new people, they would rather just go about their day, then hide in their homes; either that or they want to go out to the bar and pick up one night stands. It's rather frustrating. And it doesn't help that I'm super shy anyway and it's hard for me to open up to new people. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near as shy as I used to be, but it's still really hard for me to walk up to a complete stranger and talk to them. Anyway, I just wanted to rant and rave a little bit. Thanks for listening to me lol.

1 comment:

Aine said...

Breakups are really hard. I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

I remember reading somewhere that someone is trying to be born from each of our wounds. Looking back at my life I see that this is true. The me after a betraya/wound is not the same me as the one before. Already I can see that you are beginning to ask yourself questions - what makes you happy? Where do you really want to live, etc. Maybe this happened to loosen your ties to your present location and to those living there and open the door to new and better possibilities. The web is a complicated, intricate thing. It's so hard to see how our thread connects to another unless we stand back.

It's hard to stop searching for the truth when you feel you have been lied to, but really - what's the point? You want love, and he says he can't give that to you. That's a deal breaker if there ever was one.

It will take time to heal and time only will do it - maybe you could use this time to get to know yourself and make some future plans. I hope you get through this time quickly and move onto to better times soon!