I'm Still Here

I'm sorry I disappeared again. I have another post ready to be put up on my computer but things have been busy and I haven't had time to make it to the library. I would just use my blackberry to post it like I do with these but I don't get cell service at the ranch and our small town doesn't have any wifi spots. But I promise I will get to the library asap and post fresh stuff. I need to do some housekeeping on the blog as well because we'll be having visitors June 9th.

Anyway, things are okay with me and Granddad. Granddad is smiling more and I'm learning to reach out to friends rather than push them away. I have a friend in town that I went to junior high with, named Miss J, that lost her mama a year ago to cancer and I've been spending a lot of time with her. Sometimes we talk about my grandma and her mom but usually we talk about old times or the town gossip and just being around someone who has been there is very healing and helpful.

I do have one concern that I want to ask you guys about. I've been having this nightmare every night since Gram was buried. In it Gram is skeletal and has hands like claws. She's chasing me around the house to attack me and claw my throat out. It scares me enough that I have a hard time walking through the house in the dark, my overactive imagination conjures images of Gram hiding in the dark waiting for me and I have to turn the lights on. Now what bothers me the most and truly hurts me is that I know Gram would never ever do that and telling myself that and knowing it in my heart doesn't make the nightmare go away. Miss J says its part of the grieving process, but since I've not been there before I wouldn't know. If any of you have any advice please let me know what you think.


Linda Medrano said...

Sweetheart, we all grieve in our own way. This nightmare is just grief manifesting itself. If it continues to trouble you, go see a counselor. I think it's perfectly normal, but don't suffer from lack of sleep over it for too long. Death is so unknown to us, and can be frightening. Personally, I was so relieved when my Mom died of a heart attack never knowing that she was suffering from recurring ovarian cancer that had spread. I know she's fine now. And your dear Grandma is too.

Dirgesinger said...

I think too that this dream is a manifestation of Your fears or somehow felt being lost in a field where You are not familiar - land of grieving. Humans have always been personifying their surrounding and the unknown, because it is only this way You can deal with it - this monster You see in Your dream is of course not Your Gram but Your undecided thoughts on Death and it is attached to Your Grandma. At least so I think, but I am not an expert on this. The only thing I know that when You face what You fear, You get to know it, and monsters are not always as horrible as they seem to be.

Not Hannah said...

I'm going to agree with Dirgesinger. It's unfair what our psyche does to us sometimes. I don't have any advice, but I hope you can find some peace soon.

clairedulalune said...

Hello Willow, i found your blog through a fanciful twist and I wanted to say how sorry I was to hear of your Grandma's passing. My mum died a few years back, and I had the same type of dreams soon after. They were so frightening and scary so i truly feel for you. I have to agree with everyone, I think it is fear, the unknown. but be rest assured that these dreams will soon pass and happy memories will shine through soon enough. I hope you are doing alright and your grandfather too. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

All of the above comments are pretty right on. Your Dreams are part of the grieving process. When my domestic partner died I had dreams that we were to meet up somewhere, but in each dream we were never able to get close. It was very disturbing and so realistic to me. I finally got help from a counselor and she explained to me that my mind was telling me he was gone, that I was never going to see him again. I was finally rid of the dream once I understood the meaning in the dream. It made sense to me. I still miss him and very occasionaly I have a dream like that again. It represents my lonliness for him.
I would say you are normal in your grieving. I also want to say that I hope you are not neglecting your Grandad's feelings about the loss of his wife. You might ask him if he has dreams and what they are about. Together you can help each other grieve. It's important that you feel and accept those feelings as part of a process. It will not last forever if you deal with it. After the first year, the pain of the loss is much less. She won't be forgotten, but the memories will be less painful.
I wish you a peaceful recovery.
I would give you a big hug if I could. Death is a part of life. According to C.S. Lewis, grief is a selfish process, one that is necessary but selfish never the less. He has a book I believe titled "Grief". It is very quick to read and will give you a very different way to think of the grieving process. It gave me a better understanding. Maybe it will help you too.
Good Luck,