Heartfelt Thanks

Well everyone, I'm back. I promise I'm not lying in a darkened room sulking and wishing I was dead. After my last final at school I drove to the ranch, attended Gram's funeral (what I could see of it through my tears was lovely), and have been staying with Granddad ever since then. It's home after all and I would never run away from home. We don't have the internet at the house so right now I'm composing this on my phone. Monday when the library opens I'll have more stuff to post, including a surprise book review which will be posted June 9th. By a show of comments, how many of you know who Sylvia Browne is and how many of you are fans of hers?

Anyway, I did get to see all the lovely comments you guys left in response to the last post and I want to say thank you to you all. All of you guys who went through this hard process have been wonderful and I can say, straight from the heart, I truly consider you guys dear friends. Without your encouragement, kind words, advice and true caring I would have been lost. For now I'm going to end this post but I'll see everyone on Monday and I'm keeping you guys in my prayers and thoughts. Blessings to you all.


Fly Away Angel

Gram passed last night at 11:45. Mom says she went with a smile on her face. All I can say is it feels like part of my soul went with her. But I want my angel to fly away home. I want her to enjoy her rest. If there was anything I left unsaid it is this, "Gram, I love you so much, more than words can say. You were and will always be my strength and the better part of me. You will never leave my heart, and I promise to be everything you taught me to be. Nothing is forgotten. Rest well and know that I am not nor can I ever be mad at you. I am so deeply thankful for every moment we had together. Guide me and help me when you can and I promise to be the strong cowgirl you taught me to be."

Mad Tea Party 2010

I just found out about this wonderful blog party. It's called The Mad Tea Party and is run by Vanessa over at A Fanciful Twist. I'd never heard of this blog until I read something about the Mad Tea Party over at A Whimsical Cottage. This is the tea party's third year in a row and I'm very excited to participate in it this year. I'm not sure what I'll write about when the time comes for the tea party but I'm sure I'll figure it out.

For further information and if you want to participate in the blog party drop by A Fanciful Twist.


How Does Your Garden Grow?

First let me apologize for being away for so long. Things have been strange to say the least. Mr. Giant and I got into a fight and I kicked him out. I instantly regretted it but it can't be taken back now so I just have to deal with it. We're still on speaking terms but things are a little strained between us. Hopefully we'll get better but if not oh well. I am only spending one more semester at my current school then I am transferring somewhere much closer to home.

Second, I have news about Gram. Last Wednesday my mom called me around 7 p.m. and told me that at noon the doctors had called in the family and said she had two hours to live. I freaked out because Mom had called so late and I was 7 to 8 hours away. I made a mad dash home after packing up my dorm room and got in around 3 a.m. I got to see Gram on Thursday and although she did look sick she was doing alright, sitting up talking to people, getting upset that no one had vacuumed her floor, and so on. When she saw me you could tell she was excited that I was home. I spent all Thursday with her during the times she was awake, and I got to spend some time with her yesterday. Yesterday wasn't a very good day for her though, she was pretend sewing, drinking pretend water, eating pretend food, well you get the idea. However, she did still recognize all of us so we took that as a good sign. I'm at my mom's right now though, posting from the internet on my blackberry. So far Gram is still holding on. It hurts me deeply to see how far down she's gotten but I am so happy that I did get to see her.

Next, on a happier note, Mr. J found a book in a local shop at school that he thought I would love. I've been looking for this book for quite a while and every time I found it I couldn't bring myself to pay the almost forty bucks for it. Mr. J found it for twenty and I couldn't pass it up anymore. I am now a proud owner of Judika Illes' The Element Encyclopedia of 5000 Spells! I haven't really had a chance to look through all of it but so far I am madly in love with it.

Also, just tonight I found lavender seeds at Walmart. Those of you that have followed me quite a while should know that I am in love with lavender. You'll also know that I've failed a couple of times at growing it. So I bought the seeds and some peat pellets and now have six peat pellets containing approximately 3 to 4 seeds each and am waiting with bated breath to see what happens. If any of you guys have any gardening suggestions for me on lavender or really anything I'm open to them. I don't have much of a green thumb but only because I was never taught. I want so badly to be an avid gardener but I can be bad about over watering this plant and under watering this one, or giving this one too much sunlight and not enough to that one. I get so nervous and feel so bad when I kill a plant I almost gave up altogether lol, but this is something I really want to do, so I keep trying and well, plants keep dying. But I vow I will learn, and things will be different.


Happy Beltane Everyone!

In years past I've always looked forward to Beltane with extreme excitement. Beltane is supposed to be the time for spring time joy, a time when you can look around and celebrate the fertility of the Earth, but at a time in my life when so many things are coming to an end it's hard for me to get into the spirit of things. I wish I could get lost in the magick of a deep ritual dedicated to Aphrodite but it's so hard to set up rituals here at school. Maybe later tonight I'll find somewhere to go and do something.

Now technically I know Beltane is not about Aphrodite but it is a fertility celebration and Aphrodite is the goddess of love and sex, among other things, so I personally see nothing wrong with celebrating my patroness on Beltane. Maybe one of these years I'll get to celebrate it with a group. I had the opportunity last year but I didn't go for one reason or another, the main reason being that I was entirely too shy to meet up with a bunch of strangers in a town an hour away from my parents. Now I've kind of come out of my shell and am open to joining a group for certain celebrations. I couldn't handle being part of a group all the time because I greatly enjoy being solitary and making my own rules, but I would like to join a group every now and then for celebrations and such.

Anyway, I hope everyone either enjoys, enjoyed, or will enjoy their Beltane. May you be blessed with happiness, fertility in all it's forms, and may the goddess keep her hand on you throughout your life. Beltane is definitely a time of bright blessings and no matter what you guys are going through right now I hope that you are all blessed with light and love. And to Nydia, happy Samhain! I'm so jealous of you, Samhain is my favorite holiday!

To Explore or Not To Explore That Is The Question

Lately I've been considering exploring my creative side. For quite a while I've considered making my own soaps, shampoos, lip balms, and natural cleaning supplies. Currently the only thing keeping me from doing it is the lack of a kitchen, not to mention space. The dorms at my school are much bigger than traditional dorms but there's just not enough space for things like that.

However, if I decide not to stay with Gram and Granddad over the summer I can start experimenting in Mom's kitchen. Now the only reason I wouldn't be going home over the summer is because home health care is now involved because Gram is currently refusing to go see the doctor and just generally being mean. I spoke to Mom this morning and according to her Granddad has told her he won't hold it against her if she goes home because Gram has become verbally abusive towards her, which leaves me questioning whether I should go home or not because I know I can't handle that. When I was younger I dealt with physical, mental, and verbal abuse from my real father and Gram was always my safe haven from that. I won't be able to handle it if she becomes verbally abusive towards me over the summer.

Anyway, back to the true subject of this post lol. For a couple of years now I've silently dreamed of owning my own shop to sell the things I listed above. But my dreams change from week to week. I'm not sure if this is normal but one week I want to be an English teacher, the next week I want to be a game warden, the next I want to own a ranch, so on and so forth. Sadly these things only hold my interest for a while until I get bored with them again and it's on to the next weird thing I've decided interests me. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I'm sick of wasting my life trying to figure it out. I want to make something of myself, but what? I've thrown away most of my life searching for something that I've yet to find. Why can't I just pick something like everyone else does and start my life? Sorry guys, I guess this post turned into more of a rant than anything else. I'll end it now and write something more focused later when my ADHD calms down.