2/13/2011

Clearing The House

Well guys, I'm kind of back. Depression eats at me almost constantly so I pretty much just sleep or watch the little tv in my room. I decided that wasn't okay so I joined a gym to be able to keep myself busy and I had been volunteering out at the animal shelter. Yesterday Mom came by to take me to buy new jeans since all of mine have holes in them and I realized my house was filthy. My water had been off for a day (which by the way was not the reason for the ickiness, I had just been too depressed to deal with it) and by the time Mom and I got back the water was back on. As she was leaving she said, "Well, now that your water is back on maybe you can get some cleaning done," in that polite I don't want to hurt your feelings but this crap is unacceptable kinda way moms have of saying things.

After she left I looked around and realized that it really was completely unacceptable. "I really let my mother enter this house! Holy crap!!! This kind of filth should be against the law!" I was appalled! I started thinking about when the whole mess started piling up and I realized that when my stuff was stolen, even though I thought I was doing okay, I started sliding down that depression mountain. Then when my first love told me that even though he had once agreed to having an open relationship with me he wasn't sure he wanted any kind of relationship with anyone then turned around and told me he was bringing some girl from California to his house for 2 weeks killed me. My fighting spirit told me not to show anyone how much I was hurting so I decided to just keep myself busy and not think about the things that were hurting me.

During the day, as long as I wasn't home I was great. I smiled all the time and felt like my life was great, but at night and when I stay home that's when things get rough. At night I lay in bed and this weight drops onto me. It's a familiar darkness that says, "Hey, I knew you would come back sometime. Remember all the bad things that have happened? Your Gram isn't here to protect you anymore or make it better. People take advantage of you all the time and purposely set out to hurt you," and all I can do is lay there and cry and wish things were better. It got bad enough that one of my really close friends told me I should really consider going back to the doctor and asking to be put back on anti-depression medication. I woke up this morning thinking today is the day I will make it better, starting with getting rid of the filth in this house.

Well I haven't quite finished the task, there are still dishes and laundry to do and vacuuming as well, but I started. That's what's important. When I took the trash out I imagined carrying that darkness out with it, telling it it isn't allowed near me anymore. I imagined washing all the natural and supernatural gunk out of my clothes when I did the few loads of laundry I succeeded at doing today. It's hard to be in this house, I'm not going to lie and say that everything is hunky doorie, but I'm trying and I'm fighting; that means something to me. I refuse to give up and let that inky darkness take over my life. So I'm clearing out the house physically and metaphysically in the hopes that it will help lift my depression. Of course if things keep getting bad I'll see a doctor, if I still have insurance, but for now I'm trying and that's what matters. Remember guys, if you're depressed, it's all about the fight. Are you going to be one of those that listens to the lies the darkness tells you or are you going to fight back? Every bad situation has a good side to it, even if you have to look really hard for that good side. Believe me I know it's hard... at times I can't think of anything except "Please just make the pain go away," but it always does, it just takes time.

Blog news: I'm going to start putting reminders on my phone to do my Friday Confessions because I've been terrible about doing them and I apologize for that. On the 17th my little bloggy home will be participating in another blog tour with TLC book tours. And I'm going to try to write more often than I do now. Blessings to you all.

3 comments:

Julia said...

I am so sorry you are having a hard time right now and I so wish I had some words of wisdom or some little saying that will make it at least some what better. Just know that you are not alone in the least. I am there half the time myself and I can only tell you what I do. In fact I was wondering this evening if I was crazy because I was dancing around and laughing and goofing off and yes I was completely alone and I literally said out loud, dang am I crazy or something for dancing and laughing when there is no one around and the thought came to me, nope I would be crazy if I did these things when people are around. Because isn't it ultimately someone else that says were crazy and not ourselves.

You have started the process yourself of getting out of the depression slump and you should be proud of yourself for that and maybe take that little bit of pride and nourish it so it can grow and lift you like a balloon out of the "muck".

Or maybe just act like a total goof and completely dorky and just run with it. Just maybe you will end it all with just a little smile on your face.

I do hope it gets better for you real soon. Sending you much love, hugs, and bright blessings your way.

Here's hoping there is at least one little smile in your very near future.

Sarita Rucker said...

I'm sorry to hear about your depression. I've been there (though my exact circumstances were different) and I know it's tough. Keep fighting, though, and don't give up. You'll make it.

Dragonfly said...

Sorry to hear you are suffering with depression, it's a demon I have to fight at times as well. Sometimes it wins a few rounds but I keep fighting thats all you can do, I know I've got some pretty strong guardians on my side. It's funny I've been decluttering and sorting the house out as well. It's true that a good broom can sweep alot of things away.