To Explore or Not To Explore That Is The Question

Lately I've been considering exploring my creative side. For quite a while I've considered making my own soaps, shampoos, lip balms, and natural cleaning supplies. Currently the only thing keeping me from doing it is the lack of a kitchen, not to mention space. The dorms at my school are much bigger than traditional dorms but there's just not enough space for things like that.

However, if I decide not to stay with Gram and Granddad over the summer I can start experimenting in Mom's kitchen. Now the only reason I wouldn't be going home over the summer is because home health care is now involved because Gram is currently refusing to go see the doctor and just generally being mean. I spoke to Mom this morning and according to her Granddad has told her he won't hold it against her if she goes home because Gram has become verbally abusive towards her, which leaves me questioning whether I should go home or not because I know I can't handle that. When I was younger I dealt with physical, mental, and verbal abuse from my real father and Gram was always my safe haven from that. I won't be able to handle it if she becomes verbally abusive towards me over the summer.

Anyway, back to the true subject of this post lol. For a couple of years now I've silently dreamed of owning my own shop to sell the things I listed above. But my dreams change from week to week. I'm not sure if this is normal but one week I want to be an English teacher, the next week I want to be a game warden, the next I want to own a ranch, so on and so forth. Sadly these things only hold my interest for a while until I get bored with them again and it's on to the next weird thing I've decided interests me. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I'm sick of wasting my life trying to figure it out. I want to make something of myself, but what? I've thrown away most of my life searching for something that I've yet to find. Why can't I just pick something like everyone else does and start my life? Sorry guys, I guess this post turned into more of a rant than anything else. I'll end it now and write something more focused later when my ADHD calms down.


Linda Medrano said...

Sweetie, Grams is at the anger stage of her dying process. It's difficult to prepare to leave the ones you love and there are different stages according to the hospice philosophy. Anger, denial, bargaining, etc. and finally acceptance. I think it's so important that you are there for someone who has loved you since you were born. It's just another part of life, and you'll be more accepting of her death if you are comforted by the fact that you were there for her. Don't worry about making life choices quite yet. There's plenty of time to decide to be a doctor, lawyer, astronaut, harem girl! LOL!

Dirgesinger said...

You have still plenty of time to decide! I think when the right path comes it will show up itself. And besides, You don't have to have just one future career, You can have many:)Its more interesting and more fun too!

Linda is right about Your Grandma. For many people the beckoning of Passing is not an easy thing to accept, but in time, it almost always gets friendlier and more easy to get in terms with. This is a hard time for Your family because the situation requires enormous patience, but I am sure You will all get through this together, in a blessed unity.