Witches and Curses: A Rant

Warning This Post Is Full of My Opinions and Some Foul Language and is Quite Long

It does not reflect the opinions of anyone else. 

I've recently been reading Utterly Wicked by Dorothy Morrison.  I know, I know, I'm a little behind on that bandwagon but oh well. I don't pick books up just because everyone else is reading them, I pick them up because they interest me. Anyway, I'm truly enjoying the book. But I want to talk about a slightly touchy subject.

There is much talk about fluff bunnies and white lighters (I think that's one of the sayings right, or is that just something I made up?) and how they are wusses and wimps. At times I used to take offense to that because I personally have never used a curse in my life (at least not purposely). There have been a few times I've gotten ravingly pissed at a situation or person and something bad happens (i.e. a girl I used to work with told everyone I had quit when I'd only called in. I got pissed at her for trying to take my job and she ended up getting really sick. I was pissed and at the time I remember wishing she would learn to shut her mouth and quit being a Bitch.) But because I've always tried to be a healer, not a harmer, I felt like the comments that were made about fluff bunnies were directed at me. Of course, I didn't take it too personally because I also know that I'll do what I have to to protect my family.

I've always known that I have a slightly darker side. One that isn't all smiles and welcoming. I can be a very mean person when I need or want to. But I always tried to keep my magick out of it because I've always thought if I can't defend myself verbally or otherwise (as in going through the right channels of complaint, asking someone to stop a certain behavior because maybe they don't realize what they're doing, or just a good old fashioned Texas ass whupping) then I'm not living up to the way I was raised. But as I've read more through Utterly Wicked I've realized that as a person I haven't been completing myself magickally. I'm a good witch, I know that, you guys might know that lol, most of my family knows that, but I've come to realize there are certain situations in my life that I've tried fixing with nice magick and it's not cutting it. These situations are things I've dealt with my entire life. I've gotten fed up with them a million times and so many different ways to make the situation better with nice magick and I'm just not getting anywhere.

I'm going to go out on a limb and explain the situation to you fully so you'll understand. Some of you may or may not know that my real dad was an abusive jerk. I'm still working through the self-esteem issues I have that were caused by him. For those of you that were around for my Self Empowering Mondays you know some of the things I've worked through, and you know how far I've come from being the shy girl that turned red when called on to answer a question in class to being a very charming and entertaining person (at least I like to think so that might just be my ego talking lol). Well there's more to the story than just my jerk of a dad. He came with a whole family too and I've had to deal with them all my life. I have one cousin on that side of the family that I like. The rest are all stuck up snobs and backstabbers.

You see, that side of my family are all very wealthy. I've known from a young age that I had had money set aside for me when I was born but I never knew anything else about it. Once when I was 17 my grandfather on that side told me I had a trust fund and it would be open to me and only me when I turned 21. Well, on my 20th birthday I called up said grandfather and wanted to ask him about stipulations, the amount, etc so we could discuss ways that I could responsibly handle the situation. He informed me that I was delusional and basically treated me like a piece of crap. He thinks I'm lower than him because my mom is just a simple country person (and when I say simple here I don't mean simple as in stupid I mean the true meaning of the word) who comes from more simple country people (again not saying simple to mean stupid or slow). So at 20 I put it out of my mind and just didn't think about it. I told myself we would see what happened when I turned 21 because if it was set up to be given to me at 21 he would have to legally release it anyway, despite what he wanted right?

Well, my 21st birthday rolls around and I get a 50 dollar check from his personal bank account. Needless to say I was standing there holding this 50 dollar check pissed as hell feeling as if somehow I had been ripped off and not knowing why. Then last December, right before I turned 22 in January, I get a phone call my him. He wanted a copy of my driver's license. He's always had a copy of my social security card. In fact, he used to have the actual one and when I decided I wanted my first job when I was 15 I almost had to hire a lawyer just to get my damn social security card. But for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why in the hell he would ever need a copy of my driver's license, and why then? I've had my driver's license since I was 16 frickin years old, why then?

Flash forward to February after I've given the insistent prick a copy of my driver's license and all of a sudden I start receiving a check that I've never seen before. Now, from the time I started college (I was 17, I graduated early at age 16... the proudest I've ever been up to this point) I had received a check from his office every month. When I was younger it was a larger amount, but I made some stupid decisions (i.e. doing drugs, dating a drug dealer who let a friend use my car and got in impounded, etc) and the amount got smaller. By the time I started receiving the mysterious checks I had been receiving 600 dollars every month like clockwork. Well February, the amount was the same but the check obviously didn't come from the office anymore. I called the office to ask what the hell it was because I would be damned if I'd cash the thing and then get in trouble for some fake check or something (and yes that side of my family would definitely do that, they've always hated me and I can't figure out why) and was informed that it was my trust fund check and that I would be receiving it from now on rather than a check from the office.

Like any normal logical person I had questions. My very first one was WTF?! I had been informed that I didn't have a trust fund and now all of a sudden I'm getting a check out of it? I asked "What trust fund? I was informed that I didn't have one?" At the time I was trying to hold my temper because I still felt like I was being lied to and manipulated in some way. "Well you asked about it when you were 20, don't you remember? Well this is it. You don't have a whole lot in there, but it's there." Ok, I admit I could have pressed further when this answer was given, but you know that tone of voice people get when they're done talking to you and you're being dismissed? That stopped me. I slammed my phone shut without saying goodbye and was carried away by a storm of confused anger.

WTF seemed to be the main question and about the only coherent one I could think of. I called my mom and spoke with her, told her what I had been told and her answer: "That's bullshit. There has to be more than just a little bit in there if they are going to make a fuss about it and lie to you about it all your life." Well, that was precisely how I felt and didn't really give me a better answer to what I wanted answered so I called my daddy (stepdad... when I say Daddy it's my step-dad, a damn good man who has been there for me when he didn't have to be. When I say dad or father I mean my real dad whom I won't describe here because I would rather not ruin my keyboard or lower myself to say the things about him I would like to say).

Daddy's response to the situation: "I'm calling a lawyer. You have a legal right to know everything about accounts like that, that are in your name."

Willow's dumbass response: "No Daddy, let's not start problems. What if it's not fully released? What if it's only a partial release? I don't want to start trouble and screw myself over."

Needless to say Daddy didn't like my response to that but he respected my wishes. Now flash forward to today November 4, 2010. I am currently 22 years old and still receiving $600 from my "trust fund". I finally got fed up with all the questions that stroll through my head every time I get that check in the mail (I say stroll because now they do stroll through my head rather than buzz around like a hive of angry bees which is one of the reasons I took action. I was getting used to it, and that was not okay with me. I had questions and I wanted them answered). The check of course clearly states the bank and broker company it comes from so a couple of days ago I did a little internet magick, came up with the phone number to said company and contacted them. If the damn check is in my name I have a right to know about it.

And guess what I found out... The account this check is coming from is something called a custodial account. I asked a lot of questions of this guy I spoke to and he gladly gave me answers (after I gave him the important information to prove that I was me). A custodial account is something set up in a custodians name. The custodian does not have to be parent, grandparent, or guardian of the child, they are just the ones responsible for taxes etc on the account. Once the account is set up, it can never be taken away. And once the minor (me in this case) turns either age 18 or 21 depending on state laws (in Texas it is 21) the account is automatically switched over to the minors name and must be fully released to them. No questions yet please, I still have more to tell. My next question for the young man was is the account fully in my name? If I decided I wanted to take all of the money out of it, throw it on my living room floor and poop on it, could I? Or would there be some sort of legal ramifications for me taking the money out of the account? I would like to say I did not actually ask the guy if I could throw the money of the floor and poop on it, I only asked if I could take all the money out of the account and about the legal ramifications. I wouldn't actually poop on the money either, I'm not a barbarian lol but I might just roll around in the money lol.

His answer: "This account is fully in your name, no one else's. No one else has any control over this account. You can do whatever you want to with it."

Yeah easier said than done buddy, and here's a good question for you: If I'm supposed to be the only one with control of this account, why is it being doled out to me little by little from my evil ass grandfather? Good question he says... contact the broker of this account to find out what is going on. He then gave me the information to contact said broker. Now, normally I would have called him myself, and given him a good ass chewing, but I got to looking at the phone number to contact the guy and it started with the same 3 numbers as my grandfather's, which tells me that he works in the same area. If they work in the same area, and the money is being doled out to me by my grandfather this guy must be in cahoots with him. Damn a dead end. Or so you would think.

I've contacted that lawyer that Daddy wanted to talk to and I'm about to sic her on them. Since the account is fully in my name, I want it fully released to me and I mean every single penny. I'll be moving it somewhere else, where I know it's safe (like maybe I'll contact my cousin on my mom's side of the family who is a broker for Wells Fargo and ask him to protect it for me like he would protect me) and never have anything to do with that side of my family again. I will also have to ask my lawyer to inquire about my stocks in Disney. I received anywhere between one and five shares each year from the time I was about 6 or 7 until I was 18.

Seems like a good happy ending right? But my darker side really wants to stick it to that side of my family. I want my grandfather to need and want like I have. There have been times I've gone without food for about 2 or 3 days because I just didn't have the money to go grocery shopping and there was nothing and I mean literally nothing in this house to eat. Thankfully I've never gone without water or electricity but sometimes those don't mean a damn thing to you if you can't eat it. So I've considered doing a reap what you sew type spell on him. I want him to learn what it feels like to be treated like shit and hated and looked down on. I want him to know what it's like to go hungry, to do without, to use a friggin rag to wipe yourself when you use the bathroom because you couldn't afford to by toilet paper. To look around and think you might have just enough change to scrape up to buy an 88 cent loaf of bread only to realize you've gone through your entire change reserve because you bought a dollar package of toilet paper at the Dollar Store the other day. I've hidden those struggles from you guys because that's just what I do. No one else is allowed to see me suffer. When you step into my house, it's nothing but comfort and joy, I don't want anyone else to see me struggling.

But my ethics system kicks in and I think to myself: "I'm getting my money, why make them suffer? Just get what is yours and cut all ties. Be done with them completely." Then my darker, angry side that has been building up since I was a child and got significantly darker when I dealt with the abuse from my father chimes in: "Fuck that, they have always looked down on you, they have never cared if you are suffering or doing without, they've always treated you like shit, and now you are in the perfect position to make them feel all the hurt, anger, and sadness they have seen and caused. You live by the golden rule, so what does that rule say? Do unto others as you would have done unto you. You also live by the saying an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, so give them what they deserve."

Believe me, I want to wreak havoc in their lives, the likes of which they have never seen before and will never see again, but I also have that small voice inside of me telling me that I am not God or the Goddess and I sure as hell cannot control Karma. My life is good right now, despite me having to make sacrifices and do without sometimes. If I was to give into my darker side and allow myself to get revenge, what kind of price would I pay? What would I lose? I might be gaining money and I might see that they are finally getting their just desserts, but would I lose everything that makes me happy and be left with only money? That has never been what I wanted. I've always known that money can't buy love, it can't buy happiness. So I'm left with a moral conundrum if you will. I keep thinking that just taking my account far away from them where they can't control it will be enough because that will put them into a royal tizzy, but then I ask myself: "Will that be enough for me? Can I take my account, hide it from them, go on about my life the same as I am only being able to actually pay my bills and eat, but still see them sitting high and mighty with no worries or concerns whatsoever?"

I'm doing all of this for a couple of reasons. The first and most important reason is because I'm not the kind of person to idly sit back and allow someone else to control my life. I will not allow them to hold this money over my head. By taking my account far away from their reach I am effectively taking my life back and going "Ha! Now you have nothing else to hold over me. Fuck you!" Another reason I'm doing this is because what's rightfully mine should be mine and should not be controlled by anyone other than me. But I also see an opportunity here to teach them a lesson and exact a little revenge. Now I just have to decide if I want to take that opportunity or not. I'll keep considering it, and weighing it against my conscience. I'm not writing this to ask your opinion although your opinion is welcome. I'm just writing this to make myself feel a little better. Anyway, I have no idea what the point of this post is, I just started writing and let it all come out lol. Thanks for dealing with my rant. Brightest blessings!