I have 2 months until I move into the dorms at my new University and to be completely honest I'm a little nervous. I guess everyone worries about things like these. I'll be 6 hours away from my mom's house and the only people I know down there I met in a bar (excluding my soon to be roommate). I'm sure everyone worries about making friends and hoping people like them and if I'm honest with myself I have to admit that's not my biggest worry. I worry the most about whether or not I can make it on my own. I allow my mind to worry about small things like the no candles rule in the dorms and how to decorate the living area of my dorm unit but those are just things to keep my mind occupied and away from what scares me the most. I don't want to be alone. I realize that I will probably meet a lot of people and make friends but in the very end I'm on my own, period end of sentence, and that scares the hell out of me.
Secretly, there have been times I've considered not even going. I've thought about just staying where I am and going to the junior college that I've been going to. Then I see the pride in my mom's face when she's telling everyone she knows about me going to the University I'll be going to and I hear the excitement in my soon to be roommate's voice and I can't just not go. Don't misconstrue this, I'm also excited about going, this University was my first choice and I got accepted no questions asked. I love the campus, I like the people that I met, the staff are uncommonly helpful and friendly, as are the students, and it's a great place for me to learn and thrive. It's also a great place for my horse... at least there I'll get to spend everyday with her and maybe I can join the rodeo team in the Spring, but despite all my excitement and joy, there's fear, always fear.
Thinking about fear brings me to a new subject. I've learned the hard way that fear, if you allow it, can keep you from living life altogether. Fear can lead to stupid choices. Fear keeps love out of your heart. My matron Goddess is Aphrodite, Goddess of love (and as such my patron is Adonis as her consort/other half) and love is a predominant force in my life. Love is what drives me. When I realized that fear was what was keeping me from being happy and meeting a guy that I could have a meaningful relationship with I realized that all the failed relationships in the past, and the one tantalizing first love that seemed to constantly tease me, were all lessons from Aphrodite. She wanted me to realize that I was sabotaging my own life and, hard-headed dolt that I am, I completely ignored her and continued stumbling along down the same path, crying to my friends trying to figure out what went wrong. When the answer to the lesson finally sank in through my thick skull, it hit like a ton of bricks. It was one of those moments where I looked at myself and said "Well dumb ass, if you had just listened maybe you wouldn't be in this damn boat!" And yes I really am that rough on myself.
From that lesson sprang my decision to go to the University I chose. It is time to face my fears. I need to learn to look my fears in the face and laugh at them. I'm not saying that I need to be fearless, just that I need not allow them to stop me from living my life. And that's what has been happening for a long time. I happily lived with either my grandparents or my mom and pretended everything was fine and that I was happy and complete. Then over time I started realizing that so many people were having fun and I was sitting at home being bored. I started yearning for that fun and care free way of life and realized that what was keeping me from being like everyone else was fear. An extreme fear of rejection, along with a deep well of anger and mistrust, had manifested many years ago and I allowed it to rule my life. But these things were against my nature... like my matron Goddess, I enjoy gaiety, mirth, smiles, passion, and love. The emotions that ruled my life were contrary to what I naturally embrace, and this hurt me deeper than anything any of my peers could have done to me. Because of that, this journey began, and I am fighting my fears the whole way. I pray that if the fears ever weigh down on my and start to break me again, Aphrodite will help fortify me and help me stand tall.
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