I've read and reread what I wrote in yesterday's post, and then I went to the track with Miss J and had a good talk and walk with her. During that talk she told me about her relationship with her boyfriend of eight years and how at times she resents him because he has changed her so much. That story would take a lot of telling so I'll just leave it at that for now. While she was telling me about that, I started thinking about everything I had said in my post. And yes I can have a coherent conversation with her while still thinking about my issues as well lol. Somewhere in the middle of her telling me about all her problems I found my problem.
I've done a post on fear before and how it can be crippling. Well now I let myself get crippled by fear. Grandma dying shook me to the core, and it was understandable for me to question a lot of things, but I am a little angry with myself for allowing myself to become so overwhelmed by what Granddad said that I was afraid to be myself again. I'm a proud green witch (and learning everyday what it's like to be a kitchen witch) but after Granddad told me he thought I had released the devil on Gram (paraphrasing of course, yall remember exactly what I said lol) I became so afraid of my natural abilities, because what if he was right? What if my gifts were actually evil and I didn't know it? What if I really had killed Grandma?
But the more I thought about my time as a witch the more I realized that I've helped many people. I've healed friends, I've helped my friends deal with pain, I've helped them become better people, and they've all helped me. I allowed the fear to cripple me. And the really sad part is, it was the normal everyday Christian threat that scared me. Because I wasn't conforming to exactly what they wanted I had released the devil and caused my beloved Grandma pain. That's what Granddad wanted me to believe. I still love him very much, and I understand where he is coming from, but I have to find my way on my own. Him telling me I released the devil on people is not a helpful thing, but he also had his way of telling me I would never see Grandma again if I didn't change my ways and that if I didn't follow the bible exactly to a T I would end up in hell. Of course at the time of Gram's death I was so vulnerable and miserable that I allowed all of that to get into my head.
But now, no more will I allow fear to cripple me, no more will I try to hide my gifts in a little box inside of me, and no more will I try to stay off the path that is mine. After my first post about fear and it's crippling effects, I also posted a Releasing Fears Meditation. I will be using that to work through the issues. Click the links above to view the meditation for yourself and to view the first post on fear. I think after I've worked through this again I'll start Self-Empowering Mondays back up.